Theories on the Power Outage at Citi Field

It’s been a major point of contention in recent weeks with Terry Collins, the fans and every Mets beat writer looking for page hits: the dimensions of Citi Field. A look at ballparks around the league will show 375-378 feet to be a relatively normal distance to right center but make no mistake, this is a place where base balls go to die in the glove in Jason Heyward. Here are some of the more popular theories out there as to why this baseball stadium anomaly might be occurring, in order of their validity:

#1: GHOSTS

Specifically cat ghosts, which possibly haunt the ground after they were killed during the demolition of one of the ramps at Shea Stadium. These ghost cats, who were laughed at when they tried to make a name for themselves on the field at Shea Stadium, are now taking their vengeance on Mets home runs by swatting them out of the air with their ghost paws.

A much talked about possible solution would be sprinkling the field with catnip a few hours before game time hoping it will tire the ghost cats out. There is no science out there that states ghost cats are affected by catnip the same way as regular cats so I remain skeptical of this solution, but not of ghost cats which are definitely real and why this is, far and away, the most likely theory.

#2: KEVIN BURKHARDT

I’ve alluded to this in a previous post — I firmly believe the position of Kevin Burkhardt in the stadium affects the flight of baseballs. The only time I’ve seen Mets home runs at Citi Field I’ve seen Kevin Burkhardt. This was even true back at Shea Stadium from the moment he came onto the scene with SNY. So, it seems there can only be one possible explanation for the home run concerns of Citi Field: a less visible Kevin Burkhardt.

The question becomes, where is Burkhardt during these games? Why does he only pop up for an inning and disappear, basically nullifying any chance of a home run for the 8 other innings? The answer is in World’s Fare Market, namely the Gluten-Free Stand which Kevin Burkhardt actually owns and operates that no one knows exists. Next time you’re at Citi take a stroll down the right field line to the Market, open those doors and see for yourself.

Thankfully I do not believe this extends to road trips. Burkhardt has decided just not to show up to these anymore in the wake of his FOX deal. Unfortunately, we may never see another home run again after 2014 if this theory is proven.

#3: NOT REALLY HAVING ANY POWERFUL POWER HITTERS

The most controversial of the theories which posits that the Mets have assembled a team of guys who don’t really hit home runs good in the first place but talk about them like they Jack balls out of the Park, man. For example:

• Curtis Granderson: never having more than 30 home runs in a season outside of seasons played at the House that Bugs Bunny Built in the Bronx, and a HR to Plate Appearance ratio with the Tigers that was 1 to 28.1 compared to 1 to 18.6 with the Yankees which may be somewhat significant.
• David Wright: has pretty decent power, sure, but the dude always digs a stand-up double way more.
• LUCAS DUDA: SMASH LINE DRIVES FOR SINGLES
• Chris Young: two 20+ home run seasons in the past five seasons, and that’s basically because a team was dumb enough to let him play everyday those seasons. Dustin Pedroia has a 20+ home run season for the love of god and I’ve seen a baby slam dunk a basketball on him (may have been a dream).

#4: JUAN LAGARES’ DOMINICAN VODOU PRACTICING AUNT

This one is just ridiculous and I will not dignify it with a description. ■

The Struggle is Real

The Mets are above .500 after 30 games. They have a record as good or better than every team in the AL East. They are one game back of 1st place in the NL East. They’ve played two series with the Braves and a series with the Reds, Cardinals and Angels. They went to Coors Field where they have played and will play like shit for all eternity. The first two years of games at Coors the Mets (’95-’96) went 2-9. Pete Harnisch nabbed both of those wins. I’ve just given up on trying to make sense of anything that goes on there.

Somehow, the Mets have survived the April bloodbath we were all warned was coming.  Naturally there are a lot of reasons to be positive as a Mets fan right now. But you’re a Mets fan. You see the darkness at the end of the tunnel. You have a safe place in your home or apartment you can go to every August. A doctor prescribes you Klonopin just because you walked in the door wearing a 2002 Timo Perez away jersey. You weren’t even visiting a doctor, you were just picking up some pulled pork at Trader Joe’s because it is really, really fucking good.

Let’s break down the season so far and see why Mets fan have reason to be on the edge of their seats this time:

• Pitching has been decent
• Fielding has been decent
• Hitting has graduated from tee ball to a parent pitching

And there it is, the Mets offense. It’s terrible but has been timely through the first month or so of the season. The offense’s X-Men equivalent right now is Cyclops but it is in serious danger of becoming Jubilee.

It’s no surprise really — a lot of talk in the off-season was about Curtis Granderson’s Yankee Stadium home runs vs. potential Citi Field home runs, and the consensus was the stadium change was negligible. Unfortunately, spray charts do not take into account many ballpark conditions like mini-jet streams and the location of Kevin Burkhardt. I’ve taken them into account, and here are Granderson’s 2012 home runs mapped over what I’m calling “True Fences” at Yankee Stadium and Citi Field (click on image for larger view):

Let’s just thank the baseball gods for the San Diego Padres offense because they are the only thing standing in our way from setting all-time record lows in several hitting categories.

THIS WEEK IN #LOLMETS LAND

Do you guys remember #LOLStrikeoutRecordMETS? Well, they are no longer running away with the Mark Reynolds’ Trophy in the World Series of Strikeouts. Here’s the current standings in the NL East strikeouts race:

1. Florida Marlins: 271
2. Hotgarbage Barves: 271
3. Washington Wizards: 268
4. New York Metsies: 267
5. Filthadelphia Filthies: 236

It’s a tight race at the top and we here at TWMBITW are going to keep an eye on it all season. We’re hoping this isn’t just another case of the Mets not living up to early season predictions.

SUBWAY SERIES PREVIEW

THE YANKEES SUCK BRO

MATT HARVEY STATUS

Recovering from Tommy John surgery. Off of Twitter. Still on Instagram. Always in the spotlight. ■

 

Everybody Loves 2 AM Extra Inning Baseball

This past week us Mets fans learned how much we love or hate west coast start times. In most cases, the more you love west coast start times the closer you probably are to alcoholism. I drank two 40oz during Wednesday’s early start so you can imagine where I fall on the spectrum.

We also learned that the Diamondbacks suck. Like super-duper-seriously suck. We’re not even talking Mets suck. We’re talking Cubs suck, maybe even Astros suck.

Elderly Mets fans, people in NL-only dynasty fantasy leagues, and New York area hockey fans who were drunk and looking for something else to watch had a chance to finally see Mike Trout go into beast mode. Mets fans will enjoy hearing that Mike Trout was selected by the Angels in the first round of the 2009 MLB Draft with a compensation pick from the Yankees, who had just signed Mark Teixiera as a free agent. HAHAHAHAHA YANKEES YOU SUCK (okay maybe the Angels also had a compensation pick from the Mets for the Francisco Rodriguez signing, and it was the pick right before Trout was picked, but let’s just keep that to ourselves and hope nobody notices) LOL YANKEES ARE THE WORST.

Unfortunately, the internet had to pronounce another Mets player dead this road trip: Juan Lagares. He will be buried next to Matt Harvey in the Matt Harvey memorial cemetery. People claim the cemetery, which replaced the ice rink in Bryant Park, is haunted by the ghost of Matt Harvey. He is said to be constantly begging passersby for Rangers playoff tickets and a glass of Lagavulin 18 with a single rock. Curtis Granderson, who is currently on life support, has had a more positive prognosis and is expected back on the field between Friday, April 18, 2014, and the expiration of his four-year contract in 2018.

WHO’S HOT / WHO’S NOT

So hot right now…

• Lucas Duda. The man who looks like he has no thoughts has finally cleared his head of distractions at the plate.
• Anthony Recker. Home runs. Dat AZZ (According to ladies) (Okay me too shut up bro I know you saw it too).
• Eric Young Jr. The man has been Billy Hamilton-esque of late, except for the fact that Eric Young Jr. actually plays in baseball games.
• The Bullpen. Enjoy while it lasts, after all, it is still the Mets bullpen.

Not so hot right / might be burned alive in a dumpster fire by Mets Merized Online commentors…

• Ruben Tejada. We all hate you. Sorry man, not much you can do about it. Somebody has to be that guy every year.
• Travis d’Arnaud. Living up to all your lowered expectations.
• Curtis Granderson. It’s only been a couple of weeks. He’s adjusting to a new league. The baseballs in the National League are lighter and move more, I think.

HOME STAND

The Mets return home to face the Barves, the Bob Costas Racists, and the Florida Marlins. Chris Young is returning from the disabled list which fills me with the excitement of a 14-year-old boy who just shit his pants at a make-out party. The worst part of the home stand is the fact that all of the home games will have to be played at Citi Field where the Mets hold a 193-216 record since its construction.  Hearing rumors of plans to move future home games to Bethpage Ballpark, home of the Long Island Ducks, but I have not been able to corroborate them with team officials. ■

2014 Preseason Mets Predictions

It’s less than a week away from opening day baseball. Some people think Opening Day should be a holiday. I think some people are fucking morons.

Less than a week away means it’s predictions week in the baseball blogosphere, and as a preeminent member of the Mets baseball blogosphere I am submitting my predictions for fans to complain about now and then complain about again at an undetermined date in August. First, let’s start with the NL East standings:

1. New York Mets

2. Florida Marlins

3. Atlanta Barves

4. Washington Capitals

I didn’t list the Phillies because I don’t expect them to finish the season, either due to the loss of too many players to natural causes or due to the fan base burning the entire city to the ground because Nick Foles bows out of an NFL preseason game with a season ending injury.

I chose the Mets to place first because it is an edgy pick and I am looking to create future clout in case the unexpected happens. Hey, it probably worked for the idiot who picked the Red Sox last season (Note: these guys aren’t supposed to be idiots).

Here are some further predictions for the upcoming season:

• Daniel Murphy will be the first player in baseball history with over 500 plate appearances to post an On-Base Percentage lower than his Batting Average in a season.
• Curtis Granderson will distract home fans from blowout losses with his winning smile. Season ticket holders will believe the Mets have won 92 games in 2014 when in reality they will have won 74.
• Jenrry Mejia (his first name was picked by his mother as an homage to the creators of Cherry Garcia ice cream) will go down early with a long-term injury. He will experience a mental breakdown and disappear into the Mojave Desert while on rehab assignment with Triple AAA Las Vegas.
• Matt Harvey will come out as the first gay player in Major League Baseball. One week later we will find out it was a publicity stunt engineered in the wake of a dropping Q score.
• Zack Wheeler Toupee Night
• Lucas Duda will be found crying in the middle of the night in Connecticut sitting next to a dead deer. Later police reports will indicate that Duda killed the deer with his bare hands and was very likely sleepwalking.

Happy 2014 baseball season everybody, and remember, don’t stare at Curtis Granderson’s smile for too long or you will miss all that heavenly glory. ■